Sometimes you have just got to think WTF?
by Deaddude221
Summary: First publish, crack, if I interviewed my favorites characters of FFVII. Read and Review please.
1. Chapter 1

Yo, Deaddude here, I have seen a lot of these around and while being sick, jobless, during summer break of college, yeah that much of a nerd, and currently without anything else to do I decided to post my very first fanfic ever and to add to another level of WTF it is an interview … type show … thing; I have posted on story some time ago then promptly took it down due to, reasons so let me know how I did and what you thing.

I do not own or try to own anything, not FFVII or any portion of Square Enix, I am not affiliated to them in anyway shape or form so I do not try in any form to publish these characters or anything related to any of the prior, as my own. Haha no lawsuit … which is awesome cause I have no money!

Now that, that pile of legal script is done, take a look at what would happen if I interview FFVII Characters. I plan to write more but that will depend on the feedback I get so read and review please all kinds of criticism, just try to refrain from attacks or flames or whatever they are called, please.

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Chapter 1

Pilot of Still Not Sure

Deaddude: This is the first episode, chapter thing of well I am still not sure what it is called, I'll get it soon; on the panel I would like everyone to welcome Cloud, Tifa, Zack and Sephiroth . In the audience we have other important characters that we will interview later but for now they will remain unnamed because we don't give a damn.

Angeal: What the hell is that about?

Zack: Sit down and shut up Angeal! (Angeal sits) Good boy.

Angeal: WTF! Wasn't I your boss?

Zack: I told you to shut up not just sit down!

Deaddude: Okay then, why don't both shut up so we can get started and the audience can start their bitching later.

Sephiroth: Good idea.

Deaddude: Thanks, now for the first question or statement I am not sure what it would qualify as. But I digress, Cloud we have seen many places that some of the old school fans have turned their attention over to Zack due to the Crisis Core or turned away from you due to your role in Advent Children, even being that you are originally the main character and icon of the series, why do you think that is?"

Cloud: Wow, that is slightly a serious question for this kind of thing, most of these interview fics are insulting and demeaning, I think it is very cool that this one is not.

Deaddude: Well I am sure it will turn out to be like that at some point, things always digress in that direction at some point in time, especially with me as the host, author and god of this … thing.

Cloud: That was … weird. Ok well I think it was because once the film came out people didn't get why I was so depressed, not emo. I wasn't just trying to get attention or feel sorry for myself, I honestly was depressed. I mean if anyone paid attention in the original game they would realize that for the majority of it I wasn't really mean but mostly Zack's personality with small fragments of myself in there due to the extreme damage done to my psyche by the mako poisoning. I was dealing with that just after the death of Aerith, a good friend of mine and yes I felt I loved her at one point but that was most likely due to me still thinking I was Zack and failing all of my friends when I fell into the life stream and became well pretty much comatose. All of that lead to a great depression after the defeat of Sephiroth because well at that point there was nothing for a year, then that Geostigma only added to the issues, so that is why I just think that people misunderstood it and then thought that after Crisis Core Zack was a big hero, mostly due to his death scene.

Deaddude: Good answer, I would have suspected as much, I believe most up on the panel today would give just as proper answers, some of the others cast members might not though, not to name names but most likely Yuffie, would give a shit answer.

Yuffies: (Shouting from the audience) I resent that.

Deaddude: And some can't handle the truth, now for the second question. You touched on it before, you did have feelings for Aerith but what about now and what about Tifa? Again, obviously this is for Cloud.

Cloud: Um … can I plead the fifth?

Tifa: Why is that? (Tifa asked with an evil glare)

Deaddude: Nope, but not to worry top notch security will protect you.

Cloud: Really?

Deaddude: Nope not really, just answer.

Cloud: Well, Aerith is a good friend of mine now, she is currently involved with Zack, I think. And as for Tifa we are great friends? (Cloud actually asked looking over to Tifa as if asking her for permission)

Deaddude(not missing the look on Cloud's face): So Tifa what is your relationship with Cloud?

Tifa: … You asked … Cloud … Though, why me? (Tifa began to sweat)

Cloud: Yes but the question is now yours Tifa.

Tifa: I will kill you Cloud!

Deaddude: So be it but answer the damn question first please.

Tifa: … Well you see … I mean we … GOOD FRIENDS? That is really all you have to say Cloud after I ****ed you so man damn times. I mean we ****ed just before getting here and we planned to **** after … you as a jack ass! (Tifa walked off stage)

Cloud: I didn't know if I should say anything or not! (Cloud said as he ran off of the stage as well)

Deaddude: Well we learned three things here. The first is that Cloud and Tifa are either dating or like everyone else enjoys a good ****ing. The second being that just within the first episode people can't help but say **** as much as they can … that includes myself … I call it a vocabulary enhancer. Lastly Cloud and Tifa are but jackasses and seem to have forgotten that they are on a talk show not a run-away-and-screw-around-while-host-tries-to-do-his-job … show. So next question. Zack you are not new, there was a good bit of information on you in the original game but your popularity has sky rocketed with Crisis Core, how does it feel to be right next to Cloud and Sephiroth on that crazy fan pedestal?

Zack: It is actually very cool, I mean I was talked about some from the game had a cameo in the movie but in Crisis Core I got to shine and man did it rise me up. I see youtube videos all the time of the death scene and so many people comment on how they cry for me and some hate Cloud for not helping. It feels great to be admired so like Sephiroth here, although I am still confused as to why he is so admired. He is the villain he killed Aerith, and actually a ton of other people almost destroyed the world but unlike other villains who are made to be hated this douche bag is loved.

Sephiroth : I can't help that I am so badass. And I was a hands-on villain I was there actually doing shit for a lot of the story, I had a pretty damn cool fight scene with Cloud in the movie, oh yeah and a cool one with you in that anime Last Order, I also had a cool fight in Crisis Core. I am there I kick ass and take names and am a kind of crazy that people can get to like.

Zack: First no one likes crazy and as I recall in the game you were a "step ahead" kind of villain which is the cheap way of be active you never were seen. Then not to mention it wasn't even you just your mind controlling some weird ****ing doll or something I mean hell you we locked in a crystal since you were thrown or jumped or whatever, I don't even know which one it is at this point, into the mako in the reactor. So I really don't get you, you dumb mother ****er.

Deaddude: He strikes a good point but did I mention that I am as well a fan (sweats as Sephiroth pulls out his sword.

Sephiroth : I will kill you Zack, like I should have before they made that damn Crisis Core!

Zack: Let's go jack ass… (Zack reached for a sword not on his back) … (anime sweat drop) … how about we reschedule … say next week?

Sephiroth: … (Pulls out phone) Let's see.

Deaddude: He is actually looking at a calendar? (Whispered to Zack)

Zack: Looks like it, maybe I won't be killed.

Sephiroth: Nope, booked next week, have to die now sorry Zack (Sephiroth said with a plain face as he placed his phone in his pocket) … Now where was I? Oh of course DIE! (Zack ran off stage followed by a crazed Sephiroth waving a terribly long sword)

Deaddude: What the hell, so now I have no one here? I guess I just have to end the show early today.

(Yuffies runs up on stage): I can answer some questions!

Deaddude: Like I would even give a rat's ass about what you have to say. (Deaddude kicks Yuffie off the stage) Well that is all for today or this week, still not sure which one but I will figure it out and let … someone know so peace out all this has been Deaddude, and this has been … some show I haven't thought of a name for yet!

(Camera fades as it zooms out to show Zack running across the stage and Sephiroth still chasing him)


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own or try to own anything, not FFVII or any portion of Square Enix, I am not affiliated to them in anyway shape or form so I do not try in any form to publish these characters or anything related to any of the prior, as my own. Haha no lawsuit … which is awesome cause I have no money!

Now that, that pile of legal script is done, take a look at what would happen if I interview FFVII Characters

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Chapter 2

Deaddude: Welcome back everyone this is the second installment of the show, that after the last show I decided to name simply, "WTF!?" Clever I know. So today we have Zack, Aerith, Vincent and Red XIII; unfortunately Sephiroth wasn't just joking he is booked all this week so we couln't get him and when we tried to get Cloud there was some issues. My producer informs me that over the phone he explained something about being handcuffed to a water heater, or something like that, but that was like two days ago, so either he was making an excuse or he is on unlucky bastard; rather I might call him a lucky son of a ***** but who knows. Wait ***** is censored? What about; ****, ****, *****, **** well damn, I can't say much of anything shit! Ha you miss one! But let's start the show. First question is for Zack, how did you get that cast?" (I asked noticing it for the first time.)

Zack: Well once I finally got a hold of my sword Sephiroth and I had an epic battle in the parking lot, he broke my arm but I got him just as good.

Aerith: He is such a liar, while being chased through the parking lot he ran into a parked van and fell on his arm, Sephiroth said it was futile to kill a man who would die on his own anyway and left.

Zack: Aerith! Why?

Deaddude: Wow, embarrassing, but worry not. I am sure all of your loyal fans shall love you still and the crazy fan girls shall still try to sleep with you.

Zack: Yeah! I love crazy fan girls!

Aerith: Excuse me? That is something you shall pay for Zack.

RedXIII: You should have thought about your words there Zack.

Zack: Yeah most likely, wait why am I listening to a dog?

Red XIII: First of all I am more of a wolf than a dog, and secondly this "dog" could kick your ass, care to try?

Zack: Sure let's go, I remembered my sword this time!

Deaddude: Yeah you did, but I won't let you use it, you forget that one of my stage hands has it currently.

Zack: Damn it, I remembered but that is bull **** man, how come Sephiroth got to keep his sword but I didn't?

Deaddude: Because I wasn't dumb enough to try and take his sword, Cloud was ok with giving his sword to me last show, it is for safety reasons but I promise next time Sephiroth is in here I will take his.

Zack: Really?

Deaddude: No did you not just hear me I am not that dumb, but I will consider letting you keep yours.

Zack: Really?

Deaddude: Possibly, see I am nice. Now on to the next question, Aerith what is your relationship with Zack now?

Aerith: Well we are dating, I keep him in line mostly it is kind of a full time job that and keeping him for getting killed. Although he keeps me safe too.

Deaddue: Safe from what?

Aerith: The constant death threats and attempts to kill me from Sephiroth enthusiast and his fan girls that want to get me out of the way to be with him.

Deaddude: Is it that much of an issue?

Zack: It really is, Cloud told me he has to do the same thing on occasion but Tifa can handle herself much better than Aerith. (Zack's eyes almost popped out of his head once he realized what he said.)

Aerith: That is it, Deaddude I can come back any time you want me to but for now I need to teach him a lesson. (Aerith said as she pulled Zack away by his ear)

Deaddude: Thanks Aerith, we will want you back very soon. Bye Zack.

Zack: Save me! (Zack shouted just before he was pulled back stage, a scream was heard just before a door opened and then closed. The stage remained silent for a minute)

Deaddude: So Vincent you have become even more of a huge hit since your game Dirge of Cerberus and although critics had issues with it many hard core FF7 fans loved it and loved to find more out about you, the cynical, anti-hero seeking redemption. You have always been called one of the most intellectual characters of the series, how did that come about, I understand you lived before but for what thirty years you were in a coffin, how didn't you go nuts and walk out of that sane as always.

Vincent: Uh, good question, I would have to say my fame grew even great because of the game because of game because I was an enigma in the orginial and people really wanted to learn more about me.

Deaddude: Yeah, I agree, because I just said that. Now what about my question?

Vincent: I am sorry I wasn't paying attention, that girl in the audience is wearing a low cut shirt and I can't help but stare… at her neck, so much blood!

Deaddude: Wait, I have heard the jokes and rumors but are you really a vampire?

Vincent: Yeah, have you even seen me eat any food? And who would sleep in a coffin if not a vampire. It is mostly due to chaos being inside of me.

Deaddude: But he is gone now right?

Vincent: Well technically yes but once you learn to love the taste of blood and get past the fact that it tastes like sucking on a metal rod it can be very enjoyable. It isn't very healthy but that is why I am so pale. Plus have you ever seen a human do what I do with my cape, I mean I fly through the air like a ninja but my cape is almost like my body, it is a vampire thing.

Deaddue: Oh, I thought it was just ripping off Spawn, that Marvel comic book character. By the way I don't stake claim to that either.

Red XIII: A mid story disclaimer?

Deaddude: Legal stuff sucks.

Vincent: I am not ripping of Spawn! I am so tired of people saying that, you know what since all you are going to do is make fun of me I am just going to go home and get in my coffin.

Deaddude: That's what that is? You brought your coffin here.

Vincent: Then fine I shall go sleep back stage, please do not disturb! (Vincent said as he stormed off stage)

Deaddude: That was interesting I didn't think he was so emotional, I didn't think vampire could feel, or go out in the day light.

Red XIII: We still aren't sure if he is a vampire or just really, really weird.

Deaddude: Well at least we still have you on the show, thank you for staying.

Red XIII: Not a problem, and thank you, no one ever includes me in anything, I am just an animal to everyone but they don't get that I have feelings too, and I feel left out at all times.

Deaddude: That is sad, well tell you what, why don't you stay here, be a permanent fixture on the show, just like me.

Red XIII: That would be fantastic. (Red said as he walked over and sat on his haunches next to me.)

Deaddude: But two things, you need to be more sarcastic, just kind of needed for this kind of show and secondly, do you eat normal food? Or should I make the stage hands get you something more appropriate?

Red XIII: If you asked if I want dog food I will bite off your hand and leave. (Red said with a glare)

Deaddude: No you misunderstand, if you are ok with the food already backstage then great if not we can send an intern to get some raw meat, or even a live animal, there is a really annoying couple of cats on my block if you are interested.

Red XIII: Oh I see, well we can figure that out later, I think we forgot that we are still on the air.

Deaddude: Shit! Hey I can say that one they didn't miss it. But right well, since all of our guests have left yet again we concluce for the day or week, I still don't know when we are airing. But none the less, thanks for watching this has been Deaddude and Red XIII our new co-host, peace out everyone.

(The carmera begins to fade to black.)

Deaddude: So about those cats.


	3. Chapter 3

Here is the deal, I don't try to own anything from Final Fantasy 7 or stake any claim that I own any portion of the franchise, characters or any part of the Square Enix company.

With that out of the way, thanks for reading, enjoy.

ObsessiveCompulsiveValkyrie – Thanks for the reviews, and as for feeling bad for Zack, be sure that shall continue, his constant need for sympathy that is. Red hasn't yet hurt the cats so don't fret and as for Cloud and Tifa, that stuff shall continue onward I swear, if that stuff isn't the most fun to write IDK what is, all censors are meant to be there and just meant to mess with you head so it was all intentional to get you to guess. Glad it worked

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Chapter 3

Zack: Welcome back everyone to another episode of WTF, today we have …

Deaddude: Zack get the hell out of here! (I said as I walked up behind my chair that Zack was sitting it and tipped it over causing him to roll off the stage. I sat down and Red XIII took a seat next to me) Welcome back everyone to another episode of "WTF!?" Joining us today is our new co-host Red XIII.

Red XIII: Hi everyone.

Deaddude: Red would you care to intro our show today?

Red XIII: I would love to. Today we are joined by Sephiroth, who made time in his busy schedule to be here, Genesis, who as always is carrying his copy of Loveless and Angeal.

Deaddude: Welcome gentlemen, now to start off I would like to bring out our very special guest professor Hojo. (Hojo walks onto the stage and the crowd begins to "boo")

Hojo: Is that really necessary? I am just a scientist.

Sephiroth: The most evil and vile one every, dad.

Genesis: haha you called him Dad.

Sephiroth: technically he is my father.

Deaddude: Yes yes we all understand. Hojo we all understand now that while Sephiroth and Genesis take the blame for the wrongs commited in the main story line and Weiss and Nero in the extension it is obvious to everyone now that you are to blame for everything that happened. Sephiroth was a celebrated hero, Genesis was a good man whose mind was twisted by your degradation and although other scientists had their hand in it you were the man behind it all; how do you feel about that?

Hojo: Well you see there was a lot that was misunderstood as to the reasons behind what I did exactly.

Deaddude: Interesting … Now! (As I shouted Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal stood up with their swords in hand. Cloud, Zack, Aerith, Tifa and Vincent all ran up to the stage.)

Hojo: What is going on?

Deaddude: You didn't think anyone actually wanted you here for anything other than your death did you? (Asked with a laugh as Red XIII stood up and walked slowly over to Hojo as well. The entire group took their chance and stabbed, punched and bluntly attacked Hojo. While Hojo was on the ground bleeding and in great pain Vincent walked over him and knelt down looking down at him. Vincent then pointed his Cerberus at his forehead.)

Vincent: See you in hell. (Vincent said with a grin just before he pulled the trigger on his gun planting three bullets into Hojo's brain. The crowd cheered.)

Deaddude: Thank you everyone now, if you could leave the stage we will begin today's show truly. (Said as a stage hand dragged Hojo's dead body off the stage and the others sat down in the audience once again making only Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal, Red XIII and myself left on the stage. They each took their seats.

Sephiroth: Well I feel so much better.

Genesis: As do I.

Angeal: I do some what but I am still missing my sword Zack I want it back! I hate this shitty little one.

Zack (from off camera): Deal with it the Buster Sword is mine *****!

Angeal: Now I am sad again. (Angeal said as he slouched in his chair.)

Deaddude: get over it. So we saw in Crisis Core that you three had a strong friendship but one that was rocked and hurt when Genesis went off on his own as a renegade.

Sephiroth: True, it did hurt our relationship but then again in that I wasn't a major player, I did have my major parts and my name was dropped a ton but the effect on me of Genesis' defect wasn't show, I feel his degradation was a strong player into my own psyche twist, it was because watching a friend who was pretty much the same as me really threw me off, then not to mention finding that info in the Shinra Mansion broke the last straw.

Deaddude: Insightful, now as for you Angeal we saw that you were constantly conflicted about Genesis, his degredation was just before yours but while you were still considered a hero you were more on the fence between wanting to side with Genesis and wanting to keep yourself whole. How did that effect you?

Angeal: As we could easily see, I died, then my sword was taken but I wasn't really dead until the end, I was like three different things, myself then a white haired, white winged version of myself then a weird animal thing, so all in all it really screwed with me, not what I expected when I signed up, but now I am more pissed than anything that my sword is still gone, it was used by Zack then Cloud then put into the ground, collected rust, cleaned up but still isn't mine.

Deaddude: Get over your sword man, have mine (I said as I threw a katana toward Angeal, the blade lodged into his shoulder) Oh shit! My bad.

Angeal (Looked at the sword for a moment in silence): A SWORD! Not mine but it is a start! (Angeal smiled then looked back at the sword) HOLY SHIT THIS HURTS LIKE HELL! (Angeal stood up and ran around the stage with the katana sticking out of his shoulder.

Sephiroth: Hold still. (Spehiroth took a hold of the sword and began counting.) This will hurt (Sephiroth said as he got to one and yanked the sword out of Angeal's shoulder.)

Angeal: Oh, that did hurt. (Angeal said calmly taking the sword from Sephiroth and sitting back down in his chair, his shoulder bleeding heavily)

Deaddude: It might be best to get him to the hospital.

Zack: Come on Angeal, you ****ing nut job. (Zack said as he walked on camera and helped guide Angeal off the stage.

Angeal: I got a sword. (Angeal said proudly as he walked off stage with Zack.)

Zack: I see that.

Deaddude: And yet again the ranks of our guests begin to fall apart, is it so much to ask for one show to end with the same amount of guests as it starts with?

Yuffie (As she ran onto the stage): You said amount, I can be the third!

Deaddude, Genesis and Sephiroth: No!

Yuffie: Fine! (Yuffie said with a pout as she stepped off the stage)

Deaddude: Ok so shall we continue?

Red XIII: So Sephiroth, you were defeated by a group effort, but as we all know in the end it was Cloud who ended you, do you hold a grudge? The same question goes to Genesis in reference to Zack.

Sephiroth: What people don't seem to understand is that last battle between Cloud and I in the game was after my defeat he was just kicking me when I was already down and as for the other battle in the movie, well I wasn't able to fight at my full, I had just been reborn and even with what I was using I still wasn't fighting with my all. At my full Cloud wouldn't stand even a minor chance.

Cloud (Said as he ran on screen): Let's go Sephiroth, let's take this little challenge outside, I'll kick your ass any day you want, you arrogant prick!

Sephiroth: Let's go ass face, right now!

Deaddude: Ass face? Surely it can wait until after the show has come to a … (I stopped talking when Cloud and Sephiroth drew their swords and walked off stage.)

Genesis: As for me, I was under a very different mind frame, like Sephiroth had I been at my max Zack would have died rather quickly, but the past is the past.

Zack: I'll show you rather quickly! (Zack shouted as he tackled Genesis; flying from off camera into Genesis and both rolling back off camera.)

Deaddude: Well again it is just you and me Red, I suppose this is the end of the show, I guess I can't complain at least with my show you know and I know when it is over; when the guests run, are dragged or apparently tackled off camera, thanks for watching, next week's info will be coming from Red.

Red XIII: I am sorry there is a mix up, we don't yet know who will be on next week, nor did we know last week about this week. (Red whispered to me)

Deaddude: Right well, keep watching "WTF!?" Peace out!

(Camera begins to fade away)

Yuffie: I want to be on next week!

Deaddude: The only way you will be on next week is if I get something great out of it!


	4. Chapter 4

I do not own or try to own anything, not FFVII or any portion of Square Enix, I am not affiliated to them in anyway shape or form so I do not try in any form to publish these characters or anything related to any of the prior, as my own.

So here is another episode of "WTF!?" thanks for reading everyone, enjoy this episode should be good … at least I had fun writing it.

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Chapter 4

Deaddude: Hey it's me; I am back again, with my co-host Red XIII.

Red XIII: Today I am proud to say that we have some couples here with us as our guests; give a warm "WTF!?" Welcome to; Cloud, Tifa, Zack, Aerith and two very special guests, Squall and Riona … Who the hell are those last two?

Squall: Main characters of Final Fantasy 8, the one right after yours.

Cloud: Right they are the guys no one gave a damn about because they weren't anywhere, unlike Zidane and the crew from FF9 they weren't the gate way into the new FFs nor were they grand enough to get the dedication that we had; they are kind of like the unloved middle child of PSOne FFs.

Squall: That seemed a little uncalled for man.

Riona: it is ok Squall he is just jealous that you actually got to have a relationship and love someone during the main canon.

Tifa: I beg your pardon? Cloud has loved me since childhood and I had a crush on him since then too.

Riona: Oh only a crush? That must hurt to hear Cloud.

Cloud: And I never said I loved you as a child and who says I do now.

Tifa: What was that? I think I heard clanking like handcuffs on a water heater?

Cloud: I love you so much it hurts sometimes!

Zack: Dude that is kind of lame, that you are whipped that much it is just ***** after all.

Deaddude: That was lude, I am glad for once for the censor.

Red XIII: And as I recall you were dragged away by you girlfriend on one episode, you seem just as whipped.

Zack: No comment!

Deaddude: Are we done? Now we have received view mail, which is odd cause I don't think I have ever once listen a P.O. box, but none the less let's take a look shall we?

"_Dear "WTF!?"_

_During the next episode in which will be the couples episode, I believe it would be great idea to have the women wrestle, topless preferably, for the live audience that is._

_Thanks,_

_R- I mean anonymous"_

Deaddude: Well that sounds like a great idea, not. Thanks RENO! Yeah I know it was you. Let's see there are three women up here, two of which I know could kick the shit out of me. Ha another one got by you censor dudes are slipping!

Red XIII: I really think you should stop taunting them, they could mess with you a lot.

Deaddude: What the hell could they do to me? I mean I am the **** of the **** and I am best ****** with the ***** who also runs the **** *** we are owned by. Damn it you were **** Red, they are just ******** with me now. Oh guys that is ***** enough, I am sorry. I really mean it.

Cloud: It seems to have stopped.

Deaddude: Good some of those wouldn't even have made sense with curse words. Although I am sure should we get Barret or Cid on the show they will work their ass off just to keep up.

Red XIII: Are they censoring a live show?

Deaddude: I still have no idea what so ever. So shall we continue? Cloud this question is for you, how would you explain your relationship with Tifa, since before you didn't give a real answer.

Cloud (Looking nervously over at Tifa): we are in a great relationship, have been for a while now just never announced it until now, neither of us wanted to until Tifa … I mean we decided we should, she … We believe it will get those pesky fan girls off of my back.

Tifa: that is right, good Cloud! (Tifa said messing up Cloud's hair) Who was a good boy, who will get a fun treat when we get home?

Cloud: Me?

Tifa: That's right.

Cloud: No handcuffs?

Tifa: We'll see.

Deaddude: That was odd, but congrats on the relationship. How about you two?

Squall: Well you see …

Deaddude: Not you two Zack and Aerith.

Squall: oh I am sorry (Squall said looking upset)

Zack: Well we have been together a long while, considering we both were dead and alone together at all times it made sense …. Plus I love her (Zack said looking over at Aerith's glare)

Deaddude: Ok we shall stop their before it gets to vulgar.

Aerith: too vulgar? You realize the vulgar subject you are referring to were impossible while dead, we lacked the necessary …. equipment.

Deaddude, Cloud, Tifa, Squall and Riona: BUMMER!

Red XIII: I can sympathise with that, I am the last of my kind, as far as I know, so I have never once.

Everyone on stage and in the audience: DAMN! MEGA BUMMER!

Red XIII: And once again, left out. I'll go backstage for the rest of this episode.

Deaddude: Cats are back there for you buddy.

Red XIII: Really? Awesome, cya later! (Red said happily as he ran back stage.

Deaddude: Great now I am alone. (Snaps fingers; three young women run up next to me and sit on the desk in a way that doesn't block the camera's view of me.) Interns kick ass! So back to the question then.

Aerith: But yeah it was impossible then, now it is all we can do not to … we are like wild animals it is so ….

Deaddude: Yeah, this isn't on HBO we can't go there … I love you HBO … I don't own anything related to the trade mark HBO channel or affiliate programs.

Red XIII (From backstage): Stop with the mid show disclaimers.

Deaddude: Fine then when I get sued you cover the costs?

Red XIII (Still from backstage): …. Keep doing the disclaimers!

Deaddude: Thought so. So how about you two, the ones that don't belong from Final Fantasy 8 … Again I stake no claim to ownership … You ok with that one Red? (Silence) Thought so.

Squall: Well you see, it is actually an interesting story that stretched all across the game.

Deaddude: Yup played it, thought it was pretty good, you were cool too, so since we know it, get out!

Squall: But that doesn't seem fair.

Deaddude: I am sorry did I ask your opinion, my show, my story, my rules …. **** off! (Squall and Riona ran off stage, both crying)

Aerith: That was kind of mean.

Deaddude: I'll send them a muffin basket then.

Aerith: No need for sarcasm.

Deaddude: I wasn't (I snapped my fingers one of the girls sitting on my desk stood up) Follow them, give them that muffin basket … No matter what! (The intern ran off) Now, since we have time left and no one has left … that I didn't tell too I would like to intro a new portion. We call it Yuffie-Cam. (A large screen dropped down in front of the stage's back drop.)

The everyone in the building: YUFFIE!

Yuffie: That's me! (Yuffie said as she jumped onto the stage.) Now let's take a look at what I caught on tap behind the scenes just before this episode.

Aerith: I thought you said she wouldn't be on unless … Oh!

Deaddude: It isn't that bad, but none the less I still don't want to talk about it.

(The screen clicked on to show Deaddude and Red XIII sat in the parking lot.)

Deaddude: Pull! (Deaddude shouted as he launched a cat into the sky, one that Red jumped after and caught in his teeth.) Wow, good one man. I am sure glad no one saw this, we could get in real trouble but these cats have been pissing on my house for too long.

(Back on the stage)

Deaddude: Yuffie, after this episode you are fired. By the way, no cats were hurt in the making of that … except for three but it was painless …. Maybe, none the less I don't condone violence toward cats or any animals.

Yuffie: Damn … Next clip!

(The screen clicked again to show a scene of Cloud and Zack standing next to a table of food backstage.)

Zack: Handcuffs? Really?

Cloud: Yeah, and just to be mean she put my sword just out of reach.

Zack: How did she know how far you could reach?

Cloud: She stretched me to find out.

Zack: not someone you want to get on the bad side of.

Cloud: Hell no, but it wasn't all bad it turn around for the better after five hours, but then it got worse when she went out for drinks and forgot to unlock me. I was there for 48 hours! My back is killing me cause of the position.

Zack: Yeah well see this earring?

Cloud: Yeah, looks new.

Zack: It is, Aerith gave it to me when she pulled me out of the show by the ear, she didn't do it for just s short time and then that screaming was when I tried to fight back and she tightened her grip. Her nail went straight through and pieced my ear!

Cloud: Women are nuts!

Yuffie (from behind the camera): Hey! Oh shit! Later!

Cloud and Zack: Get back here!

(The clipped ended showing Yuffie running away, the camera returned to the stage.)

Deaddude: And you got caught; some ninja you are so fired, where is my hidden camera.

Yuffie (slowly backing away off stage): I broke it, when I tripped while running from those two (Yuffie ran off stage as fast as she could.

Deaddude: You are fired… again!

Tifa and Aerith: That wasn't suppose to be told to anyone … a secret!

Cloud and Zack (standing up): Excuse us.

Deaddude: Take the money from her wallet as compensation for my camera.

Cloud and Zack: Ok (Cloud and Zack said as they ran off the stage pulling out their swords and running after where Yuffie and run too.

Deaddude: So I suppose that's it for this show, see you all next week.

The two interns still sitting on my desk: Peace out!

Deaddude: Who told you interns to talk!

(The camera began to fade out)

Deaddude: No wait …. Umm …. Shit … This has been "WTF!? Thanks for watching, peace o …

* * *

By the way … I honestly don't condone hurting animals but it is funny for funnys sake. And why cats? I am allergic … Thanks for reading … Three in one day … many more tomorrow … I am still a jobless lonely nerd … Peace out!!


	5. Chapter 5

I do not own or try to own anything, not FFVII or any portion of Square Enix, I am not affiliated to them in anyway shape or form so I do not try in any form to publish these characters or anything related to any of the prior, as my own. Nor do I stake and claim to FFVIII or FFX.

* * *

ObsessiveCompulsiveValkyrie – Not to worry FF8 is in all reality my second favorite FF game … but I had to stick with the FF7 stuff and since it is all about comedy I had to. Squall is kick ass, one of the best anti-heroes in any game I have played.

Here, I hope this chapter shall be one of the better ones.

* * *

Chapter 5

Deaddude: Welcome back to another episode of "WTF!?" Today we would like to welcome back Cloud, Zack, Vincent and returning is Squall.

Red XIII: Today we like to announce our hero's episode, dedicated to the heroes of Final Fantasy 7 and then the main hero of Final Fantasy 8.

Deaddude: Great now to start, Squall I want to apologize for my …

Squall: Behavior?

Deaddude: Don't interrupt me! (Deaddude shouted waving my katana through the air) Eh, sorry (Deaddude said placing the sword back down on his desk. ) No I want to say sorry for my intern, I told her to give you the muffins I had no idea that when I told her to make sure you got them "no matter what" I didn't think she would chase you down in her car and throw the basket at you.

Squall: Yeah now Rinoa is in the hospital; muffins flying at 80 miles an hour at you really hurts.

Deaddude: I said I was sorry! Damn! Sorry again, but that intern is in the punishment room all of today.

Cloud: The punishment room?

Red XIII: We do not discuss it.

Cloud: But that seems slightly …

Deaddude: Evil? Yes … evil is good.

Red XIII: Uh um … Deaddude might we continue?

Deaddude (Staring at the blade on his desk, Deaddude remained silent for a moment): I am sorry yes we should continue the show. So first for Vincent, as the chronological order shows, you are the most recent hero. How would you explain how that has affected you?

Vincent: Well it has made getting victims … I mean volunteers for my blood draining exploits. But other than that I would say my fame has shot up, I have my own crazy fan girls as well now, not just vampire chicks wanting to get with me … although there is nothing wrong with that either.

Deaddude: Creepy … Now how about you Squall what did your game do for you? I mean we haven't seen anything extra about you.

Squall: Well you see that is very interesting, I guess it started right after the game ended. You see … (A loud blaring siren cut Squall off)

Cloud: What the hell is that?

Deaddude: My bull shit horn! It goes off when someone is being slightly arrogant, Squall must have set it off with his pompous tone. (The horn stopped.)

Squall: If you don't want me here then tell me geez man.

Deadddude(laughing): I am kidding, I am kidding. That siren really means we are all about to die!

Red XIII: Why is that funny?

Deaddude: Squall's face was priceless, that's what was funny.

Zack: Can we get back to the whole thing about us about to die?

Deaddude: Right that sound means something bad just happened some where in the building, let's find out what this one is about. (Deaddude said pulling up a small screen on his desk.)

Man on the screen: They are everywhere!

Deaddude: What are?

Man on the screen: I am not sure but our bullets just bounce off of them, I haven't seen anything like this! They are … they are … NOOOOO!

Deaddude(looking at the audience): Well no worries, he said no … I suppose that means there is no threat. (Deaddude pushed the small screen back down) So now then Squall please continue.

Squall: Shouldn't we try to help him.

Deaddude: Hey mister hero you are not here to save people you can do that on your own time now is my time, got it?

Squall: Sorry, well as I was trying to say … (Squall once again cut off but this time by the doors at the side of the room being thrown open, literally)

Red XIII: Cats!

Deaddude: Cats?!

Cloud, Vincent, Zack and Squall: Cats?

Red XIII: Mean cats!

Deaddude: Time for battle! (Deaddude picked up the katana and jumped up onto his desk.)

Cloud and Zack: Battle!

(The camera turned to the right to show five giant lion like things standing in the door way.)

Blue cat 1: We are Ronso!

Deaddude: TALKING DEVIL CATS!

Red XIII: Might this be because of our last episode showing what you and I did with the cats?

Deaddude: Damn you Yuffie!

Squall: We really have to fight cats?

Vincent: Not you, there are only four to worry about. And we have four people ready to fight.

Ronso 2: But we have five Ronso.

(The camera showed Ronso 2 fall to the ground after getting three bullets in his head and after a gun shot)

Vincent (On camera now as the camera turned back to the stage): As I said, only four to worry about. (Vincent sat back down.)

Deaddude: Didn't the on screen man say that bullets didn't work?

Ronso 1: Bullets work you men can't aim.

Deaddude: I must fire them.

Ronso 3: We did for you.

(The same man from on the screen ran past us, he was covered in flames.)

Squall: Should we help him?

Deaddude: He is trained enough he will be fine. (Screams from back stage)

Squall: I don't think so

Deaddude: Fine, then go help him, Devil cats are more of an issue to me.

Cloud: Battle?

Deaddude: battle!

(The Deaddude, Red XIII, Cloud and Zack charged off the stage. The camera turned to see the epic battle but cut out to a commercial.)

Zack: Hair not holding up?

Cloud: Not this morning.

Zack: Well Cloud try the new "Zax Gel" guaranteed to hold your hair up for days and weeks on end.

Cloud: Let me try that!

Zack: Here you go. (Zack hands the bottle to Cloud. A bright glow flashed for just a second then faded to show a black haired Cloud.)

Cloud: What the ****! MY HAIR!

Zack: Warning, "Zax Gel" May turn hair black, because it is made out of tar and plastic.

Cloud: Tifa is going to kill me! (Cloud said running around in a hysteria.

Zack: "Zax Gel" For the hair that won't spike and for those who want to look just like … ME!

(Camera faded back to the stage. Cloud, Zack and Red XIII all sat down in their original spots while Deaddude placed a giant pole arm weapon behind his desk, just before he sat back down.)

Deaddude: Was that just a commercial? We haven't ever had one of those, you poor TV viewers missed on epic fight! I got a prize! (Deaddude said pointing to the pole arm)

Cloud: You can really right with that sword Deaddude and Zack for being a dead guy you can fight amazingly.

Zack: Same to you buddy, and as for Red … Wait. I am not dead anymore!

Cloud: How are you not dead anymore?

Zack: Well … How am I alive?

Deaddude: Hey! I ask the questions here. Oh and Red XIII you kicked ass to man.

Red XIII: Thanks. Wait what happened to Vincent?

(Camera turned to the audience to show Vincent feasting on a very attractive girl's neck.)

Deaddude: Vincent!

(Vincent looked up in shame)

Reno: Elena!

Elena (covering her neck with her hand): He was a Turk, and he is cool!

Reno: I have tried to do that a billion and one times why can he but not me?

Elena: You aren't a kick ass vampire.

Reno: That is so unfair. Wait do all Turks turn into vampires if left in a coffin?

Rude: I don't believe that is the way it worked.

Reno: Shut up Rude I am a genius. Cya in thirty years Elena! (Reno ran off out of the audience and out of the building.

(Camera centered back to the stage)

Deaddude: I don't think he was paying attention during the whole, reason behind Vincent being a vampire.

Cloud: I don't think he gets that he will die in there.

Zack: I don't think he gets that in thirty years Elena would no longer be hot.

Elena (from off camera): Hey!

(Vincent sits back down wiping blood from his lips and gives the "call me" sign to Elena.)

Deaddude: Have fun?

Vincent: Very much, you guys took too long so I went for a snack. I mean if you guys just used guns like me fight would be over much quicker.

Deaddude: I think you may have something there. (Deaddude pulled a gun out of his desk.) Intern!

Male intern #48 (Came running up in front of Deaddude's desk): Y… Yes sir? (Intern gets shot in the head)

Deaddude: You are very right.

Red XIII: Can we get away with killing things and hurting people as often as we do?

Deaddude: I am not sure, I will look into it.

Vincent: that was kind of … evil dude.

Deaddude: I know … I LOVE IT!

Cloud: So where did that Squall guy go?

(As if on cue Squall ran across the stage on fire followed by the man on screen, still on fire. They both were followed by Yuffie with a fire extinguisher.)

Deaddude: Convenient timing eh?

Zack: I would say so.

Cloud: How is she still alive?

Red XIII: Forget that how did Squall catch on fire?

Vincent: How is the other guy on fire still not dead?

Deaddude: Where did they go more importantly, if I find any of my stuff burnt when I get back there; there will be hell to pay. Wait, how is Yuffie alive? And where is my money?

Cloud: Didn't we attack her with our swords?

Zack: I could have swore she was dead when we left her.

Deaddude: YUFFIE!

Yuffie (Ran just in front of the desk still with fire extinguisher in hand. Screams were heard from back stage.): Yeah?

(I leveled my gun and shot Yuffie in the forehead.)

Deaddude (placing gun back down on the desk): there job is done.

Red XIII: Now we have two dead bodies here.

Vincent: Right I will take those! (Vincent said as he picked up Yuffie and Intern # 48's dead bodies) Thanks for having me!

Deaddude: Yeah come back anytime!

Cloud: You aren't mad that he left?

Deaddude: Nope just glad those bodies are gone.

Zack: Am I the only one worried about the two people on fire, or the fact that Vincent just ran off with two dead bodies or the fact that Reno might as well be dead or that there are five dead giant blue cats in the door way?

Deaddude: Yes you are.

Cloud: Can I do the outro?

Deaddude: Sure, but I get to say peace out with you.

Cloud: Thanks everyone for watching, stay tuned for more "WTF!?"

Deaddude and Cloud: Peace out!

(The camera begins to fade way)

Squall (Screaming as he runs across the stage): HELP ME!

(Red XIII sprays him down with the fire extinguisher, just before seeing the second guy on fire fall to ashes.)

Deaddude: Clean up!


	6. Chapter 6

I do not try to own any of the characters or products of Square Enix used in this Story.

* * *

ObsessiveCompulsiveValkyrie – Well I didn't actually know about red's girl friend … thanks for the info, I looked into it very cool. As far as Reno … the read and Yuffie … the same. But thanks for the review hope you like what I keep putting in.

Well this little joke became something so much fun to write … I love keeping with the running gags … but my faithful readers now the cats gag … shall change. Enjoy it is so much fun to write!

* * *

Chapter 6

(Camera come zooms in on Deaddude, shaking; giving a blurred and rough vision of the stage)

Deaddude: Welcome back folks, right now we are in the middle of a full scale battle with the Ronso. I am joined by the full cast of FF7 and Squall of FF8. This battle shall continue but stay tuned we shall give a real show soon.

(The camera pans out to show an epic battle between the entire FF7 cast, Deaddude and Squall and the Ronso army. Deaddude charges forward along side of Cloud, Zack, Squall, Sephiroth, Tifa, Aerith, Red XIII, Vincent, Barret, Cid, Cait Sith, Genesis, Angeal, Rude, Reno, Tsung, Elena and the rest of the unimportant characters of FF7.)

Cloud: Just because we fight side by side now Sephiroth that in no way means I don't hate you any less.

Sephiroth: Don't you misunderstand either, the only reason I fight with you is so I have the joy of killing you myself.

Zack: Shut up and kill these damn devil cats!

Genesis: You shut up!

Zack: I wasn't even talking to you, you stupid mother ****er.

Reno: Yeah dumbass pretty boy, go **** your mother.

Loz: MOTHER!

Yazoo: NOBODY WITH **** OUR MOTHER!

Reno: No one is talking about your mom's head!

Kadaj: Your mom's head!

Rude: That didn't even make sense.

Deaddude: Shut up and fight you pissy little ****ers!

Ronso 151: Kill, kill, kill, kill. Vengeance!

Deaddude: Oh ****!

Cloud: I will save you!

Zack: No I will!

Deaddude: I don't need saving dumbasses!

Sephiroth: I LOVE BLOOD!

Everyone else: Freak!

Sephiroth: I PREFER SADIST!

Everyone: NO FREAK!

Sephiroth: Screw you guys! I am going home. (Sephiroth in the middle of an epic battle stabbed the one Ronso he was fighting as if nothing and walked away.)

Genesis: MAN DOWN!

Deaddude: Not a man down, just a sensitive man wimping out!

Sephiroth: What was that?

Deaddude: I thought you were gone.

Sephiroth: Not yet I just started walking away. That is it, you and me now! (Sephiroth charged at me.)

Deaddude: ****!!!!!

Cloud: YOU ARE MINE SEPHIROTH! (Cloud turned and charged at Sephroth who was still running toward Deaddude)

Zack: Everyone else just keep killing the devil cats!

Ronso 137: Not cats! Ronsoes!

Tifa: Dead Ronso now. (Tifa said as she punched Ronso 137 in the face and killed him with said epic punch.)

Everyone: HOLY ****! TIFA JUST KILLED A DEVIL CAT WITH A SINGLE PUNCH TO THE FACE!

Tifa: So? I'll kill more

Deaddude(standing next to Cloud in an epic fight with Sephiroth): WHY ME?

Sephiroth: Because you are a jackass that wants to be evil, but isn't!

Deaddude: I am not evil?! I'll show you evil!

(The camera buzzed and went black.)

(A commercial starts)

Tifa: Hey there Aerith!

Aerith: Hey Tifa!

Tifa: Don't you hate it when people pronounce your name wrong?

Aerith: Like you don't understand, I mean I am called two different things by different people, it really drives me nut I mean just the other day …

Tifa: Yeah yeah. Well Shinra Co. has come up with a way to fix that pesky problem once and for all with their new invention!

Aerith: What ever could it be?"

Tifa: The new "name sticker!" You just write your name on the slot provided, whatever you want to be called at all times and place the sticky end on your shirt, hate or even naked body, in case during you know what you get tired of being called the wrong name. It is that simple and it is only 50 bucks!

Aerith: … That is the worst product idea ever, and they already have them you can by stick notes if nothing else for like a buck and just write your name on it. Who the hell would be stupid enough to by this piece of ****? Why are you doing this at all, selling out?

Tifa: Listen 100 grand for doing this piece of ****, I am not going to say no to that much money.

Aerith: And there we have it, Tifa is a corporate whore as long as the price is right!

Tifa: Hey listen here you, slut, you are just pissed about me and Cloud, you tried and failed.

Aerith: Oh bring it bitch!

(Commerial fades to black)

(The camera focuses in on the normal "WTF!?" stage.)

Deaddude: Welcome back, to whatever show this is, I can't remember. (Deaddude was bleeding badly and had a black eye.)

Red XIII: The show is "WTF!?" Thank you for joining us again, the epic battle ended, here today we have the remaining people of the battle that didn't need to go to the hospital … or morgue … we shall miss you Cait Sith.

Deaddude and Cloud: No we won't it was a robot.

Red XIII: Oh, right well not morgue then just junk yard.

Cloud: I can't believe what you did Deaddude.

Deaddude: I know, who would have thought I would put Sephiroth in the hospital.

Zack: That was ****ing nuts! Where did you learn to do all of that?

Deaddude: I never learned, I am god!

Tifa: I think he has some serious head injuries.

Aerith: Why not fix him up, whore yourself out for medical help too.

Tifa: Bitch you will die! (Tifa tackled Aerith off camera. All of the men in the room turned to watch.)

Red XIII: So we have a very special guest today, now on a peace keeping mission his name is …

Deaddude: Red, shut the hell up, don't disturb them. (Watching Tifa and Aerith fight)

Cloud: Twenty bucks on Tifa. (Watching as well.

Zack: I'll take the bet.

Reno: Loose the shirts! (Shouted from off camera.)

All of the men in the room: YEAH!

Yuffie (walking across the stage): hey ladies break it up! (Yuffie dragged Tifa and Aerith out side.)

Reno: DAMN IT!

Deaddude: Was that Yuffie?

Cloud: I think it was.

Zack: Didn't you shoot her in the head?

Deaddude: Is the intern still here?

Red XIII: No, they are dead and buried, the family was upset but loved the muffin basket.

Deaddude: Vincent? What the hell wasn't she dead?

Vincent (from off camera): Yeah she was, then I drank all of her blood and then threw her in a fire.

Deaddude: What the hell is Yuffie?

Cloud: I am slightly afraid to find out.

Red XIII: Yes well no on to the super special guest right Deaddude?

Deaddude: Right, right, cut me some slack my head still hurts. But anyway, we have on the show Kimari, an emissary here from the Ronsoes to make peace.

Kimari: You humans confuse and scare Kimari.

Zack: DEVIL CAT! Not again no … I don't want to fight the kitties anymore! (Zack curled up into a ball and rolled off the stage.

Cloud: Poor bastard, the war was too much for him to handle.

Zack (from off stage): SO MUCH BLOOD!

Red XIII: Someone help him.

Angeal (running across the stage): I got it.

Deaddude: WALK BEHIND THE GOD DAMN CAMERA!

Angeal (from off camera): Sorry!

Deaddude: Anyway. Yes so you are here to make peace between the show and FF7 cast and the Ronsoes correct?

Red XIII: Don't forget about peace between Squall too.

Deaddude: What happened to him?

Kimari: Ronso 111 took little man to be Ronso pet.

Deaddude: I shouldn't be ok with that, but I don't really care. Is that the head injury?

Red XIII: No you are just an evil jack ass.

Deaddude: Excellent.

Kimari: Back to what I was saying, we have agreed to the peace if you do.

Deaddude: Yes, yes the peace is all good, now leave, you cats disgust me.

Kimari: That is not the way to start a peaceful living.

Deaddude: I said I wouldn't kill anymore creatures of the feline original, especially domestic cats and Ronsoes, I didn't say I liked you … damn cats.

Red XIII: Cats! Where?

Deaddude: Dude, Red he has been here the whole time. Kimari and Ronsoes are cats.

Red XIII: Wait so that is why they attacked us?

Deaddude: Yeah I kind of thought you would have pieced it together by now.

Cloud: Wow Red you were generally the smartest one of us.

Vincent (from off camera): Excuse me?

Cloud: Shut the hell up you old bastard!

Vincent (sobbing from off camera): I'm sorry.

Deaddude: so, get out of here you damn cat.

Red XIII: CAT! (Red began to bark)

Kimari: ****! Bye! (Kimari ran out as fast as he could hissing like a house cat the whole time.)

Deaddude: Well that it enough for this show, I think I need a doctor anyway. See you next time on … whatever (Deaddude fell out of his chair and passed out.)

Yuffie (jumping up onto the stage): See you all next time on "WTF!?" Peace out!

(The camera began to fade to black.)

Cloud: HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?

* * *

No cats were harmed in the making of this story …..


	7. Chapter 7

Hey there everyone. Well let me get this out of the way. I do not try to say in any way that i have any owner ship of the FF7 franchise or its characters or anything under the umbrella of the Square Enix company.

Well this is very late compared to my other updates but i just started a job so ... my time has drastically dropped. This one is kind of short, but i had an idea and just thought to throw it in there .... this is more or less a mini-sode ... lol well have fun reading, it was fun to write.

ObsessiveCompulsiveValkyrie - Thanks for reviewing again. Yeah, well Yuffie can't die but this chapter should clear that up a little haha. Enjoy.

Master of Catdoken - hey thanks for the review, I am glad you like it. And I am very glad to have another reviewer and reader. Haha well thanks again.

* * *

Chapter 7

Deaddude: Hey there and welcome back, last episode we some pretty crazy **** go down and today I would like to clarify some of the stuff. Well not really just one of the things. (Deaddude grabbed Red's tail and lit a cigarette with it)

Red XIII: Hey, please ask before you do that, and you can't smoke in here.

Deaddude: I can so.

Red XIII: Can not!

Deaddude: Whatever, I will keep smoking so long as I please. But enough of that today we have four special guests, Vincent, Yuffie, Yuffie and Yuffie. (Camera zooms out to show the entire stage with three Yuffies indeed there)

Red XIII: So we have found out how Yuffie keeps coming back. Vincent care to inform us of this … horror?

Vincent: Well in a darker time I cloned Yuffie, she has a rare and very tasty blood type, so I figured I would use some of Hojo's stuff to make some more Yuffies. That way no one would be hurt, well no one important.

All three Yuffies: Hey!

Deaddude: Shut up all of you. You know Vincent why did you never tell anyone?

Vincent: I had forgotten about them, but then when she was still alive after the last two incidents I began to look into it, apparently the clones I had locked away and forgotten about had escaped and that is where we are now.

Deaddude: What would make you think that the world would benefit from not losing several people only to gain more Yuffies.

All three Yuffies: HEY!

Deaddude: I told you to shut up!

Vincent: Well to be honest I believe I may have sinned against god in this little plan.

Deaddude: You did sin against something but you can't sin against a god that doesn't exist.

All three Yuffies: You don't believe in god?

Deaddude: I am an atheist, the idea of god to me is nothing more than a joke.

Red XIII: You know you can't be sure you might want to ease up there Dead.

Deaddude: No, I have a better idea let's test this idea. If god is remotely real may I burst into flames right now! (Just as Deaddude finished his cigarette fell out of his mouth and his pants caught on fire)

Red XIII: Holy ****

Vincent: REPENT!

(Cuts to commercial)

Cid: I will not advertise such a piece of ****!

Off camera producer: You agree to do the commercial though!

Cid: Before I knew it was a piece of **** now I won't do it!

Off camera producer: Fine then you don't get the money!

Cid: FINE! **** YOU! **** YOU ALL! (Cid stormed off camera but not before giving the camera the 'bird')

(Camera focuses back onto the stage)

Deaddude: Hi welcome back.

Red XIII: Do you believe now?

Deaddude: No, just bad timing that is all, I was careless. I mean I was smoking, you know a cigarette something that you light on fire to do.

Vincent: Coincidences are not that common Deaddude.

Deaddude: Fine then let's test it again. If god is real let one of the Yuffies be stuck down by lightening!

(A loud rumble sounded as a light fell down in front of the third Yuffie and the cable smacked into her chest. The electricity killed her.)

Deaddude: DAMN IT!

Vincent: Proof enough?

The two Yuffies: OH MY GOD SHE IS DEAD!

Deaddude: Shut up! So what there are more of you damn girls anyway!

(Both Yuffies shrug)

Red XIII: Come on that has to be proof enough.

Deaddude: NO! IF GOD IS REAL MAY HE HIMSELF SHOW UP HERE!

(A loud rumble sounded as a white haired and white bearded man fell down and landed on his feet in the center of the stage)

The entire room: HOLY ****!

Deaddude: Zeus?

White haired man: What just happened?

Vincent: God?

White haired man: What? No, I am just a guy that sleeps on the roof. But then the roof gave way and here I am.

Deaddude: See, me dropping the cigarette was just an accident and then once the light fell it must have weakened the roof.

Red XIII: Well that seems to work but it is still very odd.

Deaddude: Indeed it is, well thanks for watching, we will see you later, Peace out!

(The camera beings to fade to black)

Red XIII: Don't we want to continue to try and figure this stuff out with Yuffie?

Deaddude: Oh ****! I already said peace …

* * *

There you have it, kind of an odd chapter but I just had the idea like i said. I had fun writing it. Sorry if you are offended by my god jokes, but I am a deep held athiest so i joke a lot. well hope you enjoyed it. Like i said it was fun to write and i should update soon, but like i said before i just started a job so it may be harder. Thanks for reading.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Hey there everyone. Well let me get this out of the way. I do not try to say in any way that i have any owner ship of the FF7 franchise or its characters or anything under the umbrella of the Square Enix company.

Well a long hiatus on my part it would seem but I am going to jump back into it just for shits and giggles

So here it is this was to be the last one but going through but as you will see it will end with one more within a few days. Trying to reignite my passion. So here is hoping that you reads still can find this update or still use the site even. Regardless here we go again, it may certainly seem a little different than the other chapter. That is likely due to my changing writing style and ability. This one was kind of throw together just by spark I do plan to at least finish it up but I'd certainly enjoy to get criticism where applicable.

Side note the whole Cid being part of this was because I saw a comment about adding him. Hope you enjoy kind of fun to do.

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Deaddude: Heya folks welcome back, we have experience some financial issues as of late and had to go off the air for some time. What might that issue be you may ask well, after not addressing the Yuffie issue, a few hundred clones burst into the studio and corporate offices of the station putting us on the air. Well, to make a long story short they stole all of the money the station had and then every single thing they could take they did take. So it has taken time to not only recover the loses but also to seek revenge. Are most sadistic friends are hunting down the Yuffies still and ending their epidemic.

Red XIII: Regardless this is "WTF!" Today we have a few guests that have come to talk to us about how life has been in the settling dust of the Final Fantasy VII series. With us we have; Cloud, Tifa, Zack, Vincent, Cid and (Red let out a sigh) the one Yuffie we are allowing to stay alive, for both the fans but more so so that she would lead our "Yuffie Hunters," as they have affectionately been named; to the "Yuffie Gann.g" secret hide out.

Deaddude: And first I would like to thank our "Yuffie Hunters" before we begin. So for your service above and beyond all of us, after we all gave up trying to hunt down the Yuffies that is, I would like to thank; Sephiroth, Genesis, Barret, Kadaj's gang, the Turks and for some reason the white bearded man whom fell through the roof. Turns out that white bearded guy was actually the network president, he still hasn't explained why he was on the roof but we don't question the rich we just take the money and smile.

Red XIII: Also we would like to make special mention to Vincent, Cid and for some reason Squall in the help battling the Yuffie menace. Squall snapped and started killing off more Yuffies than the rest.

Deaddude: I have to give it to that emo nut job, he really earned his respect. May he rest in peace.

Cloud: Squall died in battle of the Yuffies, he killed a hundred in only two hours but was blind sided by a run away behemoth that one of the other Yuffies was riding.

Zack: Poor bastard, the blood was … god it was everywhere.

Vincent: For his service I am working on a clone but with the little amount of tissue left of Squall after the behemoth crushed, stabbed and well ate him; it is going slow and does not look promising.

Cid: I still have nightmares.

Deaddude: Cid was the one that killed the behemoth after the incident. Little known fact, if you roast a behemoth with an airship's flame thrower attachment they become rather delicious.

Tifa: It was rather good.

Cloud: We all ate great for weeks, it was a king behemoth and as we all know those things are massive.

Deaddude: Yes indeed, but back to the topic at hand. Not only is this show about finding out what is next for our friends here it is actually the last show. During the hiatus Red and myself moved on to greener pastures but felt that with the unanswered questions our fans deserved some kind of closure. Well rather Red did, I couldn't care less.

Red XIII: Typical Deaddude. But he is correct.

Deaddude: In fact Red here has become an ambassador to the Ronso. Still an odd decision but good for him right? Cloud and myself are teaching the next generation of action heroes at a University; a few promising people there.

Cloud: That Zidane and Tidus are pretty good they both hope to grow their respective series just like my series grew.

Zack: Your series?

Deaddude: Unclench we all know Cloud is the main point of the series, but that doesn't do any less justice to the additional stories help in shaping the world of FF7.

Zack: Well, I wouldn't have expected such maturity from you, typically you are crazy.

Deaddude: I am just an older form of crazy now, still crazy I simply cover it up a little better.

Student in audience: He is lying, he is crazy! I am in his class and he almost … (Gun shot rings out)

Deaddude (holding a smoking gun): That was a limb shot don't make me go for a head shot.

Zack: Boom! Head shot!

Deaddude: Yes … thank you, I guess.

Student in audience: I am sorry sir, I'll just leave for the hospital now.

Deaddude: No! You sit down and wait till the end of the show.

Red XIII: He really should go to …

Deaddude: No! He stays like everyone else! (Waving gun through the air)

Red XIII: Okay back on topic then … I suppose.

Deaddude: Yes this last show will be particularly long, now with all the damn interruptions; but still

Cloud other than working with me what is next for you?

Cloud: Well …

Tifa (cutting Cloud off): We got engaged!

Everyone: What?

Zack: Damn dude! Now that this is announced do you realize the problems that this will cause me with

Aerith?

Cloud: That is rather selfish don't you think?

Zack: I never said it wasn't but damn man, we were suppose to be buds!

Deaddude: When the hell did this happen anyway? Why is this the first news of it?

Cloud: It just happened this morning …

Tifa: I'm also pregnant!

Everyone: That's why.

Tifa: Shut up! It isn't like I force him to propose.

Yuffie: That is a lie! (a projection screen drops down against the back drop)

Tifa: Yuffie don't!

(A video starts playing, showing Cloud and Tifa talking back stage. Filmed through a crack in a door)

_Cloud: You are what?_

_Tifa: Pregnant … so I'm going to be wanting a ring about now._

_Cloud: What? Don't you think we should take our time?_

_Tifa: Nope, I have a name picked out too. Sora will be the name._

_Cloud: Don't I have a say?_

_Tifa: Nope! And you will need to get a ring soon I don't want people looking at me oddly. And the _

_ceremony has to be in two months I don't want to have the belly when I walk down the aisle._

_Cloud: Do I have no other choice?_

_Tifa: You want another choice? You don't want me? How could you! You man whore!_

_Cloud: I didn't say that! I love you but this is rather quick and well … final is all._

_Tifa: Yes, final indeed. Now I am going to get some food you want anything babe?_

_Cloud: I am good for now _(Cloud looked lifeless as he slumped over)

_Tifa: Okay then love you! Bye! _(Tifa disappeared from site of the camera as Cloud simply fell flat on his face)

(The video stopped and the screen went up)

Tifa: I will kill you!

Yuffie: You can't I am the one that has to live! (Just as Yuffie finished Tifa punched her in the head.)

Vincent: Is she dead?

Deaddude: Yet another epic one hit kill for Tifa! The victor! But please someone get rid of the body …

and get a new Yuffie, we should at least have one.

Tifa: This is my mess I will fix it … (Tifa began dragging the dead Yuffie off stage)

Red XIII: It just wouldn't be a normal episode if not for someone dying.

Deaddude: Okay well that is enough for now. We will make this a two part episode. All the best shows end with two part episodes. So we will see you back here next time! For the actual final episode!

Red XIII: Maybe.

Cid: I didn't even get to say a ****ing thing!

Deaddude: And we almost got through a whole episode without a censor needing to be placed.

Cid: I still want my part!

Deaddude: Fine! What is next for you Cid?

Cid: Well me and the wife are moving to a ****ing ****hole area with no ****ing thing to do except to **** all day everyday. Not that I am compaining about that I can **** all day, every ****ing day. Other than that I am trying to build another ****ing rocket but none of the ****ing things that I make can get off the ground. Each of the damn things is like a gaint piece of **** with forty ****ing tons of ****ing rocket fuel. I mean **** me in the *** with a ****** being a rocekt scientist is as ****ing hard as it ****ing sounds. I can't take a **** without doing so kind of ****ing math! All the ****ing time!

Red XIII: Jesus Christ Cid. You are going to kill the censor guy.

Cid: **** the ****ing censor guy! I can say all the **** I want as much as I ****ing want. I am a ****ing adult so if all I want to say is ****, ****, ****, ****ing, mother****er, ****er, ****lick, *****eating or ****ing ****er that ***** his ****. I'll say it all the **** I want.

Censor guy: **** you Cid! You going to screw with me what do you think of this?

Cid: Think of what?

Censor guy: This:

Cid: ******* ****? ******! ****! ***** ****! *** ** *** ******* ****!

Deaddude: Now that is good stuff censor guy and Cid it seems you are done now so again thanks for watching and see you next time.

Deaddude, Red XIII, Cloud and Zack: Peace Out!

(Camera begins to fade to black)

Cid: ****** ******* ****** ******!

Vincent: How can your wife kiss you with that mouth?


End file.
